Common Core Test Questions To Make Sure Your Kids Don't Turn Gay

By now you may have heard about Florida's Rep (R-Looneyville) Charles Van Zant. He is the teabagging genius who said commmon core supporters are attempting to "attract every one of your children to become a homosexual as they possibly can".

(He doubled down on that wackiness just yesterday.)

I had no idea consistent testing standards could simultaneously turn a kid gay. Shame on you, CC supporters. (I'm looking at you, Jeb!)

Bill Cotterell had the same concerns. He helpfully wrote a few test questions for Common Core that will keep our kids on the straight and narrow:

• If you find yourself developing “double-mindedness,” what is a quick, effective way to become narrow-minded?

• John and Mike have lived together 19 years, are productive, law-abiding citizens and aren’t hurting anybody. List three things we can do to get them out of town.

• Which of the following will make you gay:

A) Elton John music

B) Watching “Ellen” in the afternoon

C) Subscribing to Vanity Fair and The New Yorker

D) Voting for Hillary Clinton

E) All of the above

• John begins to suspect that some of his co-workers might be gay. He should immediately:

A) Mention to them that hetero-conversion therapy is covered by your company’s insurance

B) Ask the boss to fire them

C) Discretely warn everybody else about them

D) Find another job

E) Mind his own business

• Rank the following in order of the threat they pose to society:

A) International terrorism

B) Global warming

C) Political corruption

D) Drug addiction

E) Rachel Maddow

• You’re the clerk of court and a 19-year-old stripper brings in a mildly intoxicated 81-year-old rich guy for a marriage license. Behind them in line are two young women who have filled out the same application. Explain why only the first couple should be allowed a civil marriage license.

• Write a limerick starting with, “A sultan who rules in Brunei/Was really a heck of a guy ...”

• What are the three most dangerous items on the “gay agenda”?

• President Obama scrapped the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, because he wants to:

A) Weaken our national defense

B) Improve choreography of military bands

C) Increase recruiting in San Francisco and Key West

D) Enhance cuisine in the mess hall

• Research project: In the 1950s and early 1960s, the Florida Senate had a special committee to investigate communism and the civil rights movement, but it quickly turned into a witch hunt for gays in government and universities. The Charley Johns Committee recklessly smeared people, invaded privacy, violated civil rights, drove good professors out of their jobs, spread fear among public employees and made Florida a laughingstock.

Explain why we need a committee like that now.